I've been getting sick a lot lately. A little bug here, a little bug there. I've been to the doctor's office a lot. The nurses love seeing Annie and Elizabeth. Annie gets stickers and the nurses hold Elizabeth and coo at her. Recently one of the doctors pointed out that I had been in several times recently. She asked if there had been any significant changes recently. "My mom died." After expressing her sympathies, she said, "Yep, that would make you ill." I guess this is part of the grieving process.
Another part of the grieving process is that I get so angry. Usually really big, strong emotions are difficult and exhausting to sustain, so they subside. Not this anger. It's big, strong, exhausting and ever present. The husband forgets to clear his dishes from the table and I seethe all day. Annie dumps her drink on the floor and I want to storm out of the house like a hormonal teenager. And while I'm feeling so irrationally angry, this small still-rational portion of my brain speaks to me and tells me that it's not a big deal. Annie is just being Annie. So I try so hard to maintain the positive discipline and not fly off the handle. Reigning in the anger seems more difficult than even feeling the anger. Acknowledging that I am feeling it helps diffuse it though. I wouldn't mind moving through this stage a bit more quickly.
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